Sunday, 19 July 2015

Cry baby is back

You have probably noticed that my blog has been a rather quiet place over the last few weeks. Aside from a little bit of scheduled output it has been sat quietly. No clothing reviews, no angry rants about the  fat hating patriarchy. If my blog had a physical presence it would have looked like an empty garden with a broken swing in it just gently moving in the breeze. 

An artists impression of what I may have looked like

Some of you who follow me on social media or who know me outside this blog already know the reason but for those of you who don't or who had an inkling but felt too nosy to ask I thought I would update you.
I have chewed over writing this post. To begin it felt too raw and to be honest writing anything was just impossible and then as the days passed I wasn't sure if I wanted to get into discussing my private life. I like my blog to be a fairly fun, happy place and spilling my heart out in a blog post had more than a whiff of Simon Bates "My tune" about it but now that things are more positive it feels weird and inauthentic to let it pass without mention.
Three weeks ago whilst celebrating my wedding anniversary on a hot lovely afternoon full of dinner plans,flowers and silly jokes my husband Nicky Rockets suffered a massive brain hemorrhage. 
It happened in the blink of an eye. One minute we were talking, the next his speech slurred, and he was obviously very, very poorly. The next few hours were incredibly scary. At first I was told that my fit healthy vegetarian non smoking husband who only that morning had been for a run was critically ill-It was made clear that I needed to get the rest of his family to the hospital urgently.
The days that followed were incredibly bleak. I cried so much I didn't think it was possible to have that much moisture in my body.I was like a character in a Hans Christian Anderson book whose tears made an ocean. I'm amazed West Kirby didn't need lifeboats. I felt truly heartbroken. 
I took this picture at the hospital when I was feeling particularly alone as it seemed to sum up how I felt.It seems quite emo of me now but its also quite accurate.

I'm calling this photo "Rock bottom"

Nicky is my absolute world, we have created a truly amazing life. We have a wonderful daughter,great business and are just the best of friends.It seemed so unfair that he was going to be taken from me and I didn't know how I would go on.
In films and on TV, moments like this are framed in bravery and hope but for me it was just desperate.Like a Ken Loach movie on acid  or a sad John Lewis Christmas advert but made by the American Horror story team. Just wrong and stomach churning.
For two days and nights it seemed he was lost to me and then as if by magic he came back. 
Perhaps he was roused by me wailing like a banshee at his bedside, threatening him with all manner of evilness if he left and vows that I would follow him to hell and drag him back by his quiff, maybe it was my promises of playing naughty nurse who knows the reason, but he opened his eyes and asked "is my drawing hand OK?" (it is) typical.
And he's back

What followed was nothing short of miraculous, day by day he recovered. Sitting up, turning his hospital bay into the usual Nicky Rockets scene with ipods blasting out 70's smelly man  music, sketch books and ink pens marking the bedding. He was himself. Tired yes, changed of course but physically he walked away with barely a scratch.A week after it happened he was back at home, doing his best impression of a hibernating bear, sleeping and watching lots of old Westerns on Dave and bitching about not being allowed real coffee. if he was  a cat you would swear he had ten lives.
Life is slowly returning back to normal, I have over the last few days stopped feeling scared all the time and laughed like a drain at one of his jokes today which felt so good. He is back to just being Nicky but with more naps required. We have been so lucky. So many things that could have meant  a different outcome were in place.
I was with him when it happened so he was in hospital within an hour, the unit he was in at hospital is award winning and they acted so swiftly and cleverly there is no question they saved his life and yes the fact that he is fit and fairly young (although I always snorted when the doctors told him this, much to his annoyance) played a contributing factor.
Thankyou so much to everyone who sent us messages and checked in. It really helped, nothing lets you know how much you are loved than when the shit really hits the fan and I am very blessed. My best friend Lilly didn't leave my side, my mum drove up the night it happened, mates dropped off food so I didn't have to cook and neighbors offered to walk the dog and my blogger gang of Becky, Elena, kate and Em kept me sane by making sure I was never more than a second away from wise, kind counsel. It was humbling and I am so grateful.
So there you have it.My little tale of woe. I have missed you all and it will be so sweet to be able to focus on fluffy, frothy fashion again instead of my own version of Greys anatomy. Having shared this with you all I would ask that you don't bombard me with further questions I'm kind of exhausted and just want to watch Nashville and eat pringles but your good wishes and hugs are appreciated.

I have been nominated for two categories in this years Plus size awards. Best blog and best plus size blog. If you enjoy this blog please vote here It would mean the world to me.



Big News at  Nicky Rockets  we have restocked 4 of out most popular designs up to a 5XL

And if that wasn't exciting enough we have also launched a new plus size yoga inspired design and a Curvy as Hell homewares range which kicks off with tee towels for only £5 

Only £15,designed and made in the UK my tee shirts are  a celebration of the power of the curvy woman.Available in sizes small-5XL in a range of cuts and styles Shop here

All content (text, photos and other) are the property of Betty Pamper (aka Perelandra Beedles) unless otherwise stated. Please refrain from copying any material without recognition of the author and a link to the source on this blog

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