Sunday, 3 August 2014

5 Things Being Older Teaches You

In this youth obsessed age it may seem that turning 40 is the beginning of the end, an inevitable descent into decrepitude that will only end with you sneezing into a tenalady dribbling in an armchair.
Well bollocks to that, getting older is actually a rather marvellous thing and to illustrate my point here are five delicious things that seem to only make sense around the time you find the first grey hair in your eyebrow.

#1 Thongs are a mechanism of patriarchy
My undercrackers are so comfortable

OK I may be slightly exaggerating but after years of putting up with glorified cheese wire riding up my butt crack in the sad belief it was sexy I now realise big knickers are a thing of beauty. Never again will I have to excuse myself so I can pull my pants out of my arse, or wince when they  cut into my hip fat. I now rejoice in proper big girls knickers. Well fitted, 100% cotton and far from giving me a VPL they are so big they go past my upper thighs. Ladies trust me on this, when it comes to bum cover bigger is better.

#2 Life's too short for bad friends

Ive written at length about the frenemy here but having spent my twenties and even part of my early thirties putting up with friends who were anything but I am now incredibly picky about who I spend my time with. I want my BFFs to be strong, funny, secure women who revel in my success and supply a waterproof shoulder in times of woe. In return I will be the person who you can spend your one  phone call on from  jail or who will help you hide the body.If you have one or two bad friends who make you feel insecure, under appreciated or who you secretly think is a complete fucking bitch, cut the cord sweetie. 

#3 Age ain't nothing but a number
Monkey do you care how old I am? I thought not

The irony isn't lost on me that when I was actually was young and beautiful I thought I was anything but (I remember feeling decidedly middle aged in my early thirties) now I am in a whole other age tick box I realise that aside from the odd grey hair or a few extra lines under my eyes I feel exactly the same as I did twenty years ago, in fact I feel better. I dress way better, I'm fitter and I'm far more adventurous with my life. If you are dreading a milestone birthday don't. Its actually not a big deal. The only people obsessed with age are PR companies desperate to identify demographics they can sell to. The rest of the world just continues apace really not that concerned if you are 35 or 55.

#4 Humour Is Essential
I look silly-Do I care? No

Not being able to laugh at yourself or find humour in fairly grim situations is going to make your time on this mortal coil very hard indeed. I used to take myself and my troubles far too seriously and looking back I ruined it for myself. Take this blog for example a few years ago if someone had left a comment saying I was shit,badly dressed or deluded I would have cried my eyes out and spent days analysing the comment, thinking I was a total prick. Now I just laugh or if I'm feeling particularly silly will paste it onto my social media feed or include it in my online bio for a few days. Humour is an incredible weapon. It disarms people who decide their task of the day will be to make you feel rubbish and if you are a bit of a miserable bitch like me its essential.

#5 Being Self Conscious Is Pointless
What are you looking at?

I'm a writer, so by nature I'm happiest letting my emotions pour out of my fingers onto a keyboard  and for a long time I really hated having to ever be the centre of attention or give a presentation. A lot of that was tied into the fact that I was embarrassed by my weight and thought I wasn't very pretty. Those days are behind me now and more importantly I realise that most people don't care about me one way or another and that's a good thing. There is no need for me to be self conscious. Most people are so self absorbed with their own life that what you do or say has little impact on them.
 If you have to give a speech or talk and feel someone is looking at you in a sneering way chances are they are just planning what to have for their tea. Realising its not always about me has been such a valuable lesson and now I don't give two fucks what anyone apart from close friends or family think of me, why would I.

These are my five things what have you learnt as you have got older?

And here is my latest video-if you would like to see more of these subscribe to my Youtube channel

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