Tuesday, 28 April 2015

4 Big Fat Things I Won'T be Doing This Summer (aka NO To Body Shaming)

Another week another example of the relentless pressure women are put under in regards to their bodies. A billboard adverting protein shakes has caused quite a stir this week as women up and down the country have declared war on the idea that in order to don a swimsuit they need to be "beach body ready"

 The overwhelmingly negative reaction to this advert is music to my ears. Last summer I wrote an article entitled  "Things I won't be doing this summer" now seems the perfect time  to revisit it:

Things I won't be doing this summer 

# 1-Getting a "bikini body"

I have  a body, I occasionally put it in a bikini. I look rather marvelous. That is how you get a bikini body. End of.
The suggestion that I need to lose weight, tone up, body scrub and be aged twenty does not compute. Its sexist rubbish designed to make us feel terrible about ourselves. Strangely I haven't seen Lorraine Kelly introducing  a feature called "Get toned for your twangas" telling men how to get "ripped" for their week in North wales.
I declare this summer we should all wear bikinis. Men, Woman children (ooh I sound like Brucie) even pets. Dolly is being fitted  for her two piece as we speak.

Hello Boys
# 2 I won't be "banishing" Cellulite
If I had a quid for every article I have ever seen offering handy tips on how to get rid of the "dreaded orange peel" I would be sipping cocktails in Acapulco with Morrissey giving me a foot rub. 
I don't want to banish my cellulite, we are great friends and have been together for a long, long time. To use the word "banish" suggests cellulite is an evil force that needs to be run out of town and forced to live in a cave like a dimply Obi wan Kenobi. 
Lets run that thigh dimple out of town boys
Everyone gets cellulite. You only have to look at any celeb magazine with their  red circles of "shame" showing you how even movie star goddesses get it to realise that to hate cellulite is a fools errand. Embrace the cellulite-make it your friend. Next time you feel "worried" about your cellulite get a grip and ask yourself "would Maya Angelou/Mother Teresa/Helen Keller/Simone de Beauvoir (inset your own inspiring woman) worry about this stuff? No so neither shall I"
Love you dimples

# 3 I wont be waxing my bikini line
Ladies for the love of all things holy take a cotton picking minute to think about this. You allow someone you have maybe met once to pour hot wax near your vagina and then rip the hairs out. Why!! 
Newsflash! Women have pubes.Sure if you want to do a little maintenance so its not too Brazilian rain forest down there wax away  but I do find the trend for women to be totally hair free quite unsettling. As a mother I worry that my daughter is growing up in a world where pubes are viewed as weird or dirty. This is NOT a judgement on any woman who chooses to wax before anyone sets my house on fire with a wax pot, just a growing feeling of unease that even a tiniest glimpse of minge is becoming slightly retro.
No waxed pubes-Tina bring me the axe

# 4 I Won't be "Earning" My Summer Body
I don't need to earn my body. Its brought and paid for.

It seems in the world of female fitness its all gone  a little bit nineties power suit. Sayings like "I will be pretty on rest days" and "Earn your summer body" are a new exciting way for Women to judge each other. Who knew going for a run could become a tool of female repression-that's genius. 
Nineties power tripping disguised as fitness motivation

How about this, regardless of whether you are an athlete, a fitness dabbler or an all round lazy bastard why don't we all agree that our bodies are rather wonderful and we actually all have the right to enjoy them especially in summer. The underlying message of these kinds of slogans is that anyone without a six pack should cower indoors weeping into their tube of pringles rather than inflict their unworthy "unearned self" onto the population at large. I don't need to earn anything. I'm magnificent and so are you. 

So to sum up. Lets say NO to body shaming. Now that's something I will be doing this summer.

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