This week in honour of the fact that both myself and my mum have hit “milestone” birthdays I’ve been sampling the delights of the Canary Islands.
I’ve never been to a sunshiny resort this early in the year before. My other winter jaunts has either involved smoking moodily in Parisian restaurants or being pulled along by demented reindeer in Lapland.
Being at a beach resort “off season” is a totally different experience to going during the summer months. The whole complex feels like the film Cocoon. Never have I felt so young and vital. Considering I came here feeling slightly disconcerted by the fact that I had moved into another age bracket on forms and surveys its been an incredible ego boost.
There is a feeling of dare I say it pensioner swingdom about the place. Never have I seen so many topless geriatrics and my whole family were “treated” to the sight of a man who was eighty if he was a day letting his balls catch the sea air whilst lying on the opposite sun lounger. It put me right off my boiled eggs that’s for sure.
Being in the sunshine whilst blighty shivers has been a constant source of smug enjoyment. Barely an hour goes by without one of us shouting “just think of all those poor saps freezing their tits off whilst we inhale sangria and slap on sun cream”
Some things about my holiday experiences never change though regardless of the time of year these are the following:
- 1) I will always tell myself that I am going to unplug my life. Not check my e-mails and ignore twitter. The reality is that with three hours of landing I am jonseying for the Guardian online, moaning about the terrible Wi-Fi connection and checking face book on my phone,
- 2) I will always bring something weighty and mentally nourishing to read such as Ulysses or The prime of Jean Brodie, determined to sharpen my intellect. I will inevitably end up downloading the latest Karin Slaughter on my Kindle and reading Heat magazine.
- 3) I will always decide that I am going to treat my holiday like a “mini spa” eating only salad and fruit, swimming fifty lengths a day and basically returning home a goddess. I will in actual fact drink gin and eat crème Brule whilst listening to my i-pod.
My week is nearly over now and I return home to a book deadline, a tax bill to pay and the horror of being totally out of the loop of Celebrity Big Brother. Saying that I have missed BB Towers and the cat and I will enjoy not seeing anymore elderly nudity every time I lower my newspaper.