Wednesday, 18 January 2012

A Day In The Life Of Betty Pamper

The other night I gave a phone interview to a craft mag who run a "week in the life" feature. I told them about my various jobs, past times and commitments.As it was for a magazine I emphasised all the interesting parts of my life (producing features for Vintage Life, writing a craft book, running the Vintage Pamper box) leaving out the boring bits that are less than riveting. So in the interest of balance here is a breakdown of how yesterday (a typical day) went. I will not attempt to gloss over or make myself seem more interesting or intelligent.This is Betty Bee-the real deal.
The wheels appeared to have fallen off
0700-Alarm goes off-I instantly regret watching Celebrity Big brother followed by episodes of Family Guy and American dad into the wee small hours the night before. I'm so tired I want to die.
07.30-I look like a bag of spanners so gallantly attempt to draw face on much in the style of baby Jane Hudson. 
Pass me the eyebrow pencil

My hair resembles a thin brown birds nest. Chuck in a  "fonytail" and bandanna. Log onto laptop, post up blog, open silly e-mail from friend which features Lionel Richies "Hello" song remade with old film clips.Brilliant.

Quickly scan the papers,laugh at the Golden Globes worst dressed list. Feel like a bitch, go back and laugh again.Wolf down bowl of porridge and cup of tea.
08.45-Baba Bee is washed, dressed and ready for school. I drag her away from SpongeBob Squarepants and walk her to school. its so cold I actually slightly cry.
0900-Back home.House looks like its been burgled. Empty dishwasher, chuck some washing in machine and basically give BB Towers the domestic version of a whores bath. More a quick wipe under the armpits than a proper cleanse. I'm too busy to anything else-it will have to do.
Giving BB Towers the cleaning equivelent of a whoes bath
0945-Need to sort out various step by step craft projects for my book. Put Radio6 Music on and laugh at the "middle aged shoutout" feature. I'm testing whether some spray gloss paint will work on glass. Cant find my rubber gloves so wrap my hands in plastic bags. I look mental and still manage to get paint all over my hands, on the lawn and on my shoe-genius.Am being stupidly disorganised and running between a standard lampshade which I'm hot gluing felt onto in one room, a candle I'm making in the kitchen and a wired bouquet which I keep sitting on. I don't imagine this is how Martha Stewart operates.
Oh thats so not the way to do it Betty
1200-so hungry but also rushed. Microwave some soup and eat it whilst catching up on last weeks Celebrity Big Brother. Decide Andrew Stone is a genius in all his self deluded glory. Sadly I already know he has been voted out which makes his anguish at being up for eviction even more poignant realise I am applying terms like poignant  to Celebrity Big Brother,not good. Quickly turn radio 4's woman's hour on the listen again function so I can stretch my lonely brain cell.
Andrew Stone-TV Gold
12.30-Quick dash to get my nails done. I'm having the close up photos of my hands "making things" taken this week and currently my paws look like they have clawed their way out of a grave. My manicurist is young and funny. We dissect Desperate Scousewives (yes yes I watch a lot of shite telly) One of the characters is quite rough looking so in a typically sisterly way we cackle about her manky hair extensions and fake boobs. "and she looks really old" pipes up my nail technician "like in her thirties" . Amazing how quickly you can go off someone.
ta-dah from zombie grave diggers to french manicured lovliness
1300-Answer lots of e-mails which have come in. Realise I need to write about 50000 words for various publications, books and my blog. Ignore all of this to watch the funny Lionel Richie video again.
1400-Bandit the feline king of BB Towers is yowling in his usual yobby manner. I made the fatal mistake of putting new food over a smudge of old  and he is beyond disgusted. I remove the offending plate, replace it with a pink china one containing clean food. He sniffs and walks off. That cat is a piss taker. The muse is now with me and I am writing like a dream, smoke is coming out of my fingers.
Bandit-This cat is a total fecking liberty
14.45-I'm exhausted and need more tea and a jammy dodger. Click on my bloglovin feed. Big mistake. 
15.15-Time for the school run. Late as usual. Sprint up to the school. Aware that my fitness levels are not what they should be. Regretful of the jammy Dodgers now.
1530-1730 Lie on couch with Baba Bee. Watch the amazing world of gumball solidly for an hour. Decide it is second only to the Mighty Boosh in its surreal brilliance.
Sureal brillaince
1730-Make tea. Spaghetti bolognese. As I go to serve it up baba bee declares "I hate spaghetti bolognese " Lecture my ungrateful offspring about starving children in Africa. Has much the same effect that the same lecture had on me at a similar age. She thinks I'm an arse.
Eat my spag bol or little children will starve
1830-Homework with the spaghetti hater done. Catch up with Mister Bee who has escaped BB Towers for a jammy freelance job this week.
1900-Bath Baba Bee. Sort out her uniform for the next day. Put on face mask. Write blog
2000-Finish up work I should have done today whilst watching daft videos and reading other blogs.Empty bin, reload dishwasher,open this mornings mail.
2200-Watch celebrity Big Brother in bed. Flick over and watch Family Guy followed by two episodes of American dad. Then read my book for an hour.
The End

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